That Day is Today

There might come a day sometime in the future
When I don’t think about you constantly,
Wonder what you would have looked like,
What color your hair would have been,
And how your smile might have looked.

There might come a day sometime in the future
When I won’t wonder what I did wrong.
When I won’t blame myself.
When the sharp blade of pain will become dull.
When I can accept this as meant to be.

There might come a day sometime in the future
When I carry another child
And though I will love her beyond measure
And though I will hold her a little tighter,
And though she will be my child,
She won’t be you.

There might come a day sometime in the future
When I am happy again.
When I can let go.
When I can look at a baby without aching for you.
But it won’t be today.

I have had this poem on the sidebar of my private blog for a year and a half. I've been blogging there since December 2007 after losing our first baby to miscarriage and our second baby to an ectopic pregnancy. It wasn't always private, but after trying for another baby for almost all of 2008, we started fertility treatments and I felt like I needed to go private. I've contemplated making that blog public again, but there's just too much hurt there. I want to share our journey in hopes that hearing our story will help someone, but I will be doing it from a place in my heart that is not so raw and broken anymore.

A little background:
We had been married almost 3 years when we started trying to have a baby in July 2007. We got pregnant right away, but lost that baby in August. It was devastating to say the very very least. We waited 2 months and started trying again in October. In November we were thrilled and excited beyond words to find out we were expecting again! At almost 7 weeks, on December 11th, 2007 I was rushed into emergency surgery for an ectopic pregnancy that was on the verge of rupturing. Thus began the deepest and darkest time of my life. I started blogging to let it all out and there were nights where I would just sit at the computer and type and cry not knowing if anything I was typing was making sense. Somehow it was easier to type than to talk. I am so glad I did that because I can look back now and see just how far out of that deep dark pit God picked me up out of.

All of 2008 we tried and tried to get pregnant again to no avail. It was so difficult to try and understand WHY and HOW I could get pregnant twice in 4 months and then... nothing at all. We had tests, blood drawn over and over, did ovulation predictors, counted the days, marked the calendar... PRAYED AND PRAYED... In October my doctor decided to put me on an ovulation inducing drug. I started that in November and the day after Thanksgiving we did our first artificial insemination. (IUI)

I'm not sure why, because I've read about it a lot and it's not painful for most people but for me, it was. I was in so much pain that I thought I would pass out. I've never hurt so bad EVER. The doctor told us not to expect it to work the first time, but I'll be honest: We did. We hoped and prayed it worked. I didn't want to go through that again and Hal didn't want me to go through it again.

It didn't.

So, in December we did our 2nd round of Clomid and the day that we would've been doing the IUI fell on New Year's. I was very very sick with some sort of vicious cold/flu and Hal suggested that we NOT do the insemination that month. He said he felt like it was too much on me right then. I agreed and we passed on the procedure that month but that didn't mean we still didn't "try" on our own...

I am here to tell you that it must have been Divine Intervention because our little Halle was conceived without the IUI! I took a test on January 13th, 2 days before ole' Aunt Flo was due and low and behold! I could hardly believe my eyes.

Hal had already left for work and he called that morning as usual and asked if I had taken the test that had been sitting on the back of the toilet. I said yes. He asked what he said and I said "Yes." His reply was "Yes?? Are you kidding me?"

Yes. Hal found out by phone but guess what? That didn't matter. We were FINALLY after more than a year since being pregnant, expecting again!

And here we are now. 28 weeks today and Halle Grace (named after her Daddy and God's grace because without it I would've lost my mind and nearly did) is healthy and growing and moving and making her Mama and Daddy 2 very happy people :)

There might come a day sometime in the future
When I am happy again.
When I can let go.
When I can look at a baby without aching for you.
But it won’t be today.

I want everyone who has ever walked in those shoes to know that yes, you will be happy again and yes, you will be able to let go. That doesn't mean I have "gotten over it" or that I have forgotten those babies and it doesn't mean you will either. They are my precious Angel babies and I know I will hold them in Heaven. Everyone grieves differently, and I personally knew that it would take having a healthy baby for me to actually move forward. I grieved, publicly and privately, and even went to counseling for 9 months because there came a point in March of 2008 that I felt I was spiraling out of control with grief and sadness. Never think there is a time frame that you have to fall into.

Starting this blog and sharing our lives now and our lives then and what we've been through is something I didn't think I'd ever be able to do. It's more difficult for me to put this all out there for people who know me than it is for people who don't know me.

I'm taking this leap of faith because I AM happy again and we are having a precious baby girl in 3 months. She's our miracle and I want everyone to know how blessed and thankful we are for her.